Mending

It's been 3 years today...

I read an article a few months after we buried Mark's dad and my mom. It was an article on how men grieve. One story has stuck with me...
a man went out in the woods and struck a tree, damaging the trunk, and stripping away some of it's bark. Periodically, this man would come back to the tree to see how the tree was mending...reminding him of how he was mending too.
How long does grieving take? This is what we all want answered in those moments when you can't breathe and your heart aches and there is nothing that can stop it or make it go away. Someone told me that how important the person was that you are grieving for, determines the length of your grief. No magical date...no set timeline.
When a tree is wounded, it must grow over and compartmentalize the wound. As a result, the wound is contained within the tree forever.
What I have found out is I will never be the same...the scars are there for good. What we become is up to us...we can allow the creator to mold us and teach us, refining us into something rare, something beautiful, or we can be stifled by fear and anger.
As I see the scars in my life I feel loved by a God who gives me life in death, gifts in emptiness. Wrestling like Jacob to receive the blessing in this lonely place...I choose to walk with a limp, to be with Him in the most intimate way, as a shepherd carries His lame sheep on His shoulders...let Him heal you and teach the beauty that is right in your midst.
In my mind I walk to the tree and see the scar and don't deny the pain, but I know that God is healing me, teaching me, refining me.
This season as we celebrate the gift of Jesus, I pray your thoughts will bring you back.to the the gift that has been given to us,Jesus...everyday since His coming has been reason to celebrate. We have victory over death!

A Father's Love

I got a phone call the other day. It was unexpected. Most of my days I concentrate on the focus to get through the day until something stops me and says, "Can you hear me?" The Holy Spirit is sweet and gentle...sometimes easy to miss if you are too busy trying to beat the clock or check off the next item on your list.
It was my dad. I was taken back in time. We connected with the love of the Father as the love of a father reached out for connection. I am thankful for an earthly father who is not perfect but flawed. He is proof of amazing grace transformation through the redeeming love of God for a poor, motherless, and needy boy. It teaches me that I too, with all my flaws, can be loved like this...and points me towards my heavenly father. The one who never disappoints, never fails.
At my father-in-law's funeral my husband, Mark, shared a memory from his childhood... a memory of a defining moment for him. In a game of capture the flag, my father-in-law managed to cross enemy lines and was coming to save one of his captured teammates and take them back to safety. Mark was just a boy, and looking around at his fellow teammates and how big and strong they all were in comparison, decided that he would not be the chosen one. But he was wrong, his dad chose him. In that moment he felt valued, by the love of a father who, he knew then, would always choose him.
Not everyone can relate to this story. You may have very painful memories of your father, too painful to revisit. But whatever makes you run towards God and His unfailing love, even when painful, is a gift. God chooses you...he always chooses you. He chooses you, not for what you are, or can give, or have come from, but just for you.

I am thankful today for the flaws and the pain that keep me going back to the one who is spotless. I keep running back and holding tight. He won't leave me...and I am grateful...that my father, in his imperfections,in his redemption,and in his want, pointed me to my Father, and showed me what true love is.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Ephesians 3:17-19 (NLT)

Running the Race

I have always loved to run, mostly, as fast as I could. It is all I could endure, a quick 100 meter dash...the exhilarating experience of a fast and furious race. Now that I am older and more mature *cough, cough, wink* I have made myself endure the discipline of long distance running. Training long distance is different than training for a 100 meter dash. It's long, painful, long, sweaty, long...you get the gist. What started out as a physical discipline has saturated my life with so many spiritual lessons to grow on.
So let me share a few 'lessons" for life, God has whispered in my ear as I have sweated and panted, sweated and prayed, and endured one more mile.
~Number one rule to running long distance is to keep going, even when you think you can't. Sometimes you may be tempted to quit or take a break, but it is in those times that if you just breathe in Jesus and remember He gives you strength, your next stride gets easier, and when you relax your whole body works better.
~There will be pain involved. No way around it, there will be pain, unless, you are not running the race to win the prize. There are different kinds of pain. Some pain is not so serious that you need to stop, but should keep going. I have found that my wimpy-ness can get the better of me and I can psych myself into quitting, but once determined to keep going, have found that the pain turns out to be small, insignificant, and slowly goes away as I keep everything in perspective.
The other type of pain is more serious, and might even take you down if you try to run through it...there will be no mistaking this pain. The only way to overcome this is to rest. God sometimes takes us out of commission when we don't take our selves out, when we need to rest and refuel and healing, in Him.
~Your race is your race. Don't be tempted to hop lanes and try to run someone else's race, but instead learn from them and remember that each one has been training in ways and length that you have not. God gives us exactly what we need for our race.

~When you fall or trip, get up and keep going. You may feel embarrassed or lose faith in yourself but here is the great thing; it is not about you it is about Jesus, and His grace for you. He will honor your efforts and faith to trust Him. His grace is sufficient for you, even in the middle of shame. He will help you up and see you to the finish line, if you let Him.
~Some days will feel lonely and there will be no one to cheer you on to the finish. On these days your coach, Jesus, whispers in your ear, "you can do it! I made you for this and I am right here... I will never leave you... I delight in you!"

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Heb.12:1

Not of This World

"...And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country- a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he had prepared a city for them." Heb. 11:13-16

The longer I am in missions the more I am an alien. Whether we are in Russia or in America, I always feel a little "out of the loop". There are some logical reasons for this and then there is the fact that no matter what, I will never fit in.
3 of my children attended public school this year. Haillie had the hardest time having to attend high school. She came home daily with new details of her foreign experience from the cursing and back talking to new things she had no clue about like prom! Things I never thought to prepare her for were amusing and sometimes sad to me. Sad to know the struggles of the American teen and that she is in the obvious minority with her stance on morality and ethics. She was definitely challenged in her balance of being bold and gracious.
Community is nice, belonging to a group is a wonderful comfort. The truth is community can sometimes be a hindrance to growth, so far our life has taught my girl to not be afraid to be different and to be true to her convictions. More challenging are those of you who fight against conforming in a world that has been "home" all your life. Not until I left my "home" in America have I ever been faced with the reality of my idols. Over the years I have been stripped of many of them, but I find that it is easy to blend, easy to get back into bad habits. So I am challenged and challenge you wherever you are to live as a foreigner in a foreign land.

"Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were put to death by stoning;they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them." Heb.11:37-38